My Thoughts About Feeling You Will Never Read

You asked me to feel.
No.

You demanded that I feel.

You muttered it
over
and
over again
while you held my arms down in the dark,

forcing me to let the
tears
roll
down
my face
instead of wiping them away, hiding
the shame
invading our quiet night together.
I hate when you see me cry.

I hate more when
my heart is
ripped
open
exposed
and see me reaching out for my emotions
blindly.

You
open
my eyes
to something
terrifying
that I have not seen in years.

You
hold me
at night
while I wrestle with the demons
that prey
on those whose hearts
beat
again
with the rush of passion that accompanies thawing.

The demons
eat at
your soul too.

You recognize them.
Together we realize that together
we are stronger fighting against them than we could ever be apart.

I am beginning to
enjoy
this intense pain,
tingling through to my fingers,
a limb coming back to life,
after such a long time
lying dead
in the dark,

it is bound to be painful.

Through the pain,
I see your
eyes,
the intensity
assuring me
you see mine too.

I realize
the heat from my belly
is the spark smoldering beneath what I suddenly feel around me.

Flying High

I am on the phone with my man right now and we are looking at flights to go on vacation together... in March... and it scares me and thrills me all at the same time...

When All Is Wrong In the World, Inevitably Something Goes Right

This weekend has been long. No...

This week has been long. School is in crazy, can't get it all done mode. Work has been nuts. All of my tutoring kids have been sick so I'm behind on that and have to catch up before I leave for Christmas. I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time with the boy, meaning I'm behind on everything else. I'm trying to make as much money as possible right now and I just can't keep up with everything.

Last night, I went out for the customary Saturday night drink with the people from work and saw the boy. Mind you, we've hung out every day for the last week and it couldn't possibly be going better. But since we weren't technically there to hang out with each other, we kept our distant a bit, although not so much that would bother me. Until some bitchy, skanky chick walked into the bar and draped herself all over my man. I could have killed her. And to be honest, since I didn't actually talk to her (just shot daggers out of my eyes into her fricking face), I'm sure she's perfectly nice and I suppose she was cute if you like that tall, thin, long curly hair sort of thing. Now mind you, I couldn't tell if he was encouraging the behavior or not. But I was PISSED. So I left. Because I wasn't going to sit there any watch that. I'm sure it was nothing and I woke up this morning being done over reacting but still rather grumpy about the whole thing. Least he could of done was act like he cared that I was leaving.

But yet again, the world proved itself in the most unexpected way.

I had the most incredible table come into the restaurant today. May very well be the best table I've ever waited on. And they put my world at ease that there are good people out there and that I need to have faith in people.

So when I meet the man for a late dinner tonight, I not going to say a thing. Because really, I know I have nothing to worry about.




And P.S. When I say it's going well with him, I mean it. We're already in for the longer than normal haul. He's going on vacation with me in March... and I'm so excited that I can't even write about it...

Still Smiling...

So it's official - I have become an over-reacting, crazy lady because of this man.

For the last week, I have been second guessing everything, except for a few days in the middle where everything was good. This week culminated in a Saturday night from the land of Bitch Fest. I was grumpy, which in turn made me think everyone else was grumpy, and the more I told him he was grumpy the grumpier he got, which of course made me even more grumpy. It was like the damn dwarf from Snow White made babies with himself and they were taking over my brain.

By the end of the night we had snipped at each other over every little thing - stupid TV crushes, how much we'd had to drink, whether or not we should have a sleepover, why he (obviously jokingly) told me my face was gross, who should have won the Preds - Wild game, the fact that I wore green heals to the game to support the Wild via my accessories - and I was at my wits end. I made him promise me that we wouldn't go home angry, especially since the sleepover argument ended with us agreeing to go our separate ways. So we kissed goodnight, said everything was fine, and went home.

I woke up this morning knowing that if I didn't do something to apologize for my nastiness last night and all the fight-picking I had done, we were toast. I wasn't ok with us being toast.

So I texted him as I was leaving work to force him to hang out with me for an hour before a work commitment of his this evening. As I told him "I felt too badly about our behavior last night to let it go."

And an hour of hanging out turned into 4 hours of napping, kissing, cuddling, and talking about how none of our crankiness really matters when we're so damn comfortable together that we couldn't possibly imagine it any other way right now.

And then I left him making my family's recipe for cheesy potatoes (3 hours after he was supposed to be at his work thing), looking adorably tousled and sleepy, not to mention wonderfully attractive. And now, instead of writing a paper that's due tomorrow, I'm waiting for him to stop by to say good night.

And I wouldn't change today for anything.

I'm the Worst Blogger Ever... But I'm an Incredibly Happy Blogger

I have good intentions to write. I swear that I do. And since I never write, I know at this point, no one reads anyway. But darn it, I have news. So I'm finally writing.

I have a great excuse for not writing in the last nine days at least. I met someone. And the week before that, I was too busy trying to actually meet him and talk to him that I have a good excuse for not writing then too. And then he gave me his number and asked me to dinner and I've been busy getting to know him and haven't had time to write it all down.

I met someone honest, funny, smart, interesting, and not to be ignored, incredibly sexy. He's amazing. It's silly because we've really only known each other for a few weeks, but so far, so good.

He makes me laugh and smile and makes me feel so darn irresistible and unable-to-resist all at the same time. He makes his fingers dance across the skin at the back of my neck and I get shivers down my spine. When he jumps up to greet me as I enter the room, I cannot help but grin at the dimples that spring to his smile. He's truly interested in me and what's going on inside of my brain and in return, I cannot take my eyes off of him and hang on to every word while he lets me into his world. Even when I say the silly things that come out of my mouth most of the time, his eyes twinkle in a manner that proves he's not amused with how silly I am but rather in awe that I'm gifting him with such silly thoughts.

In a word, I'm smitten.

And the best part about it? He doesn't have to try and I don't have to try and somehow it just works.

Here's hoping that it keeps on working. Because he's only spent the night twice and I'm already cold and lonely in my bed while he's not here.

My apologies that it's been so long...

Wow, I didn't realize how long I've been meaning to write. Life has been so busy with the most uninteresting things that it's been completely slipping my mind. Let me bring you all (all 3 of you!) up to speed.....

Work
Work is busy. I officially start tutoring my students next week - thus far, we've just been putting them through these horrible tests that measure vocabulary capacity, math skills, memory, etc. I'll be working with six first grade students, each three times a week. The job is testing my patience every day, but with the coordinators and with the students, but it's good for me and it soothes my soul a bit to know that I'm going to make a difference in these kids education.

The restaurant is equally as busy. I'm working as much as I can and still not getting ahead it seems - amazing how quickly I spend my money - but I really do like what I'm doing. My fellow coworkers are great and have become my closest friends in Nashville. That's what happens when the only time you're available to go out is Tuesday nights at 11pm. There are much worse things that could happen than being friends with my coworkers...

School
Somehow, with my lack of time, I'm still managing to get ahead in my classes and am doing rather well. I received a B+ on my first grad school paper, one which I wrote over night the night before it was due because I hadn't had time before then to even complete the reading. All of my professors are quick to tell me how wonderful it is to have me in class and the fact that I'm truly loving every minute of my learning is helping me to keep plugging along even when I don't seem to have the time to get it all done. It helps that school comes so easily to me, but still. I didn't know how grad school would go and I find myself pleasantly surprised.

Men
Aah... Men... Men, Men, Men...
There is so much going on in this department and yet, nothing at all. Suffice it to say that I have a number of "leads" and people that I'm interested in who have expressed that they are interested back. And that's about it. The whole working and going to school all the time thing really gets in the way of a dating life. But I'm plugging along and taking care of my needs when necessary ;-)

Nashville
Nashville as a whole is truly lovely. I love the weather, the fact that every time (all three of them so far) that it rains it smells like spring, the people, the skyline, the restaurants and bars, everything. I'm so looking forward to showing it all off this weekend when Lauren comes! It's just a fabulous place and I couldn't be happier.

My apartment is so much of a home that I'm not missing Minnesota or Wisconsin at all. I miss all of YOU of course, but it's not like I don't talk to you ever. Every evening when I come home, I'm so thankful for the place that I have. It's so... me... eclectic, warm, feminine, un-fussy, cluttered... me. I love it.


And that is about all that is going on in my life. I write such lame-o, boring posts that I should just quit writing in my blog at all. But I figure one of these days, I'll write something truly exciting and then everything will be better. Ha ha... Now that life is settling into a pattern finally (who knew I liked patterns so much??), it's one of my goals to write more often. I'll try...

Much Love to All of You!

Week From Hell

Last week was too long and busy to write. Besides that, it was the week from hell.

Monday I worked at the restaurant. Tuesday I worked all day in the schools then at the restaurant. Wednesday I worked in the schools, did homework, had class, and spent the evening being all crabby about some things which I will not mention here. Thursday I worked in the schools some more, then drove around to coordinate more working in the schools, got pulled over for running a red light, and thankfully (and miraculously) got out of a ticket. Friday I had training all day to work in the schools (noticing a pattern??), went into work at the restaurant late because I didn't know I had to work, then enjoyed quite a few captain and cokes, which of course made everything better. Saturday I got a little bit done again and went into work late AGAIN because for some reason I once again did not know I had to work. It's a wonder I have a job. With every little thing combined last week, I almost gave up and just came home. It was awful.

But this week is already better. I have much to be thankful for this week. I mean, all of this is a bit shallow but compared to last week, it's so amazing!

1. Money - sorry but it's nice to be bringing in cash again. I was starting to think it would never happen.

2. Tom Brady being hurt - again, I know that's lame but I'm ecstatic.

3. Pei Wei - yes my friends, there's a Pei Wei less than a mile from my house. I almost cried when I found out.

4. The Packers - They won. Plain and simple. Any time they win it's great, but they beat the Vikings. And Aaron Rodgers rocks my face off. So there.

And that my friends is my list of reasons why this week is better than last. Short, but sweet.

Well I must go and clean for a while. Time is at a premium this week and I have to squeeze in getting some stuff done while I can. Miss you all!