My Thoughts About Feeling You Will Never Read

You asked me to feel.
No.

You demanded that I feel.

You muttered it
over
and
over again
while you held my arms down in the dark,

forcing me to let the
tears
roll
down
my face
instead of wiping them away, hiding
the shame
invading our quiet night together.
I hate when you see me cry.

I hate more when
my heart is
ripped
open
exposed
and see me reaching out for my emotions
blindly.

You
open
my eyes
to something
terrifying
that I have not seen in years.

You
hold me
at night
while I wrestle with the demons
that prey
on those whose hearts
beat
again
with the rush of passion that accompanies thawing.

The demons
eat at
your soul too.

You recognize them.
Together we realize that together
we are stronger fighting against them than we could ever be apart.

I am beginning to
enjoy
this intense pain,
tingling through to my fingers,
a limb coming back to life,
after such a long time
lying dead
in the dark,

it is bound to be painful.

Through the pain,
I see your
eyes,
the intensity
assuring me
you see mine too.

I realize
the heat from my belly
is the spark smoldering beneath what I suddenly feel around me.

Flying High

I am on the phone with my man right now and we are looking at flights to go on vacation together... in March... and it scares me and thrills me all at the same time...

When All Is Wrong In the World, Inevitably Something Goes Right

This weekend has been long. No...

This week has been long. School is in crazy, can't get it all done mode. Work has been nuts. All of my tutoring kids have been sick so I'm behind on that and have to catch up before I leave for Christmas. I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time with the boy, meaning I'm behind on everything else. I'm trying to make as much money as possible right now and I just can't keep up with everything.

Last night, I went out for the customary Saturday night drink with the people from work and saw the boy. Mind you, we've hung out every day for the last week and it couldn't possibly be going better. But since we weren't technically there to hang out with each other, we kept our distant a bit, although not so much that would bother me. Until some bitchy, skanky chick walked into the bar and draped herself all over my man. I could have killed her. And to be honest, since I didn't actually talk to her (just shot daggers out of my eyes into her fricking face), I'm sure she's perfectly nice and I suppose she was cute if you like that tall, thin, long curly hair sort of thing. Now mind you, I couldn't tell if he was encouraging the behavior or not. But I was PISSED. So I left. Because I wasn't going to sit there any watch that. I'm sure it was nothing and I woke up this morning being done over reacting but still rather grumpy about the whole thing. Least he could of done was act like he cared that I was leaving.

But yet again, the world proved itself in the most unexpected way.

I had the most incredible table come into the restaurant today. May very well be the best table I've ever waited on. And they put my world at ease that there are good people out there and that I need to have faith in people.

So when I meet the man for a late dinner tonight, I not going to say a thing. Because really, I know I have nothing to worry about.




And P.S. When I say it's going well with him, I mean it. We're already in for the longer than normal haul. He's going on vacation with me in March... and I'm so excited that I can't even write about it...